Acting it out

Confidence seems to be a holy grail for many. Even some of those who appear on the outside to have ooudles of it, will admit to their closest friends that confidence is sadly lacking. Scratch the surface and you’ll often find that the apparent confidence and self-assured attitude they emit is all smoke and mirrors. They are desperately attempting a con-trick, working on the basis that if they act in a certain manner, they will eventually feel as if their confidence is real.

This is probably true to some extent. A person entering a room standing straight and with a beaming smile will get a different response to someone with hunched shoulders, trying to look as small as possible and unable to smile because they are frozen with fear.

In Jordan Peterson’s book, 12 Rules For Life, rule number one is “Stand up straight with your shoulders back.” Mr Peterson asks us to consider the behaviour of the lobster (!) to further understand this. I won’t repeat it all here—I recommend you buy the book—but suffice it to say that in pretty much all species, success is to a degree dependent on attitude.

The woman who is self-assured, who is prepared to stand by her beliefs will probably be more at peace than the people pleaser. Trying to be liked and approved by everyone is not only unfeasible, it’s exhausting too.

Having confidence does not equate to arrogance. It doesn’t mean you are tricking anyone. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you are ‘full of yourself’. Not unless you act that way!

A lack of confidence was something I suffered from for many years – and still do in some respects. But now, I have developed the skills to overcome that crippling feeling and I want to share those ways with you. They won’t work for everyone, of course. But this is just what had worked for me, and I hope that these methods might help you too.

My top five tips for a confident life

1. As Jordan Peterson says, head up, shoulders back, and smile. Not only will you appear more approachable and open, but the feeling of being present and worthwhile will boost you. Don’t ask me how it works. It’s magic. But it works.
2. Take a great interest in the other people you are with. A huge number of those you meet on a day-to-day basis are probably like you. A bit nervous, unsure of themselves and lacking confidence. If someone (you) comes along and makes it easy for them to talk about the subject they know the most about (themselves), then it puts them at ease and they’ll most likely look up to you as being the sort of person they’d like to be—warm, friendly, etc.
3. Try to banish thoughts of impostor syndrome. If you don’t know what that is, you can find out more about it here. It’s basically the belief that you are not as clever or accomplished as other people think you are. It means you live with the fear that you are going to be ‘found out’, that one day ‘they’ will all realise how inept you are. Well, I’m pretty sure everyone feels like this from time to time. Even those who have reached the top of their profession possibly ask themselves, ‘How did I get here? Am I good enough?’ Well, you have got there and you are good enough, so stop beating yourself up. Appreciate what you’re good at. I know I can write fiction, so I’m pretty okay at that, but I’m completely useless many, many other things so I might as well enjoy having achieved something.
4. Value your differences. I can’t swim like my friend Jo can swim. She has crossed the channel, she’s swum from Alcatraz to the mainland, and she’s done the ice mile. When I swim, I bob about like a demented seal, and I’m exhausted if I manage a couple of kilometres. I want to improve, but I’ll never be like Jo. So I admire her, I’m proud of her, and it fills me with joy to see her doing what she loves. But her success doesn’t take away from my efforts or the thrill I get from being in the sea.
5. The most important tip, in my humble opinion. When you feel that icy grip around you as your confidence evaporates, remember how brief life is. Remember how much anything that deflates your confidence really doesn’t matter. One day we will all be pushing up daisies, and when those we leave behind think about us, they’ll think about the good times, the love and the happiness they shared with you. They are not going to say, ‘She was lovely, but she never got that promotion did she, because she wasn’t up to the job?’ or, ‘I saw her wearing double denim once! The horror!’. Nobody thinks of you like that and if they do, then frankly you don’t need them in your life.

If you suffer from lack of confidence, I hope this has given you food for thought. The more you can overcome this debilitating feeling, the better life will be. But remember, EVERYONE feels it at some point in some way. It’s just that getting control of it is one of the most worthwhile things you’ll ever do.

Please comment below, or if there is something you want to say or ask that you’d rather not express in public, use the contact form to get in touch.

Love, Liv x

©Liv Andrews 2021